Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit
Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated
Articles by Dr. Friedman (except where noted otherwise)
Jokes and Humor
For Life 4
You know you are co-dependent if you are dying and someone else's life flashes in front of you.
Build a banker a fire and keep him warm for the night. Set a banker on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.
"What do you call a Zen Buddhist monk with schizophrenia?"
While talking with his deft wife on the telephone, the blind man picked up a hammer and saw.
My boyfriend dumped
me. Or rather, I allowed him to set me free.
eat when I'm depressed, I buy shoes when I'm jealous, I break the telephone when
I'm angry, I mangle my fingernails when I'm lonely, I throw things all over the
house when I'm hurt, and I waste money on makeup when I'm frustrated. Men just
don't know how to cope.
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there is nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: # 1, you have to be single and # 2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun says, " That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Doctors' Office Signs
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go, said the council!
Next they tried: "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again.
Then came: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"?
So they tried: "Lost Souls and A-Holes."
Still no go (even worse!).
Nor did: "Analysis and Anal Cysts,"
...or "Nuts and Butts," ...
or "Queers and Rears" work either!
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally
came up with a business sign
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones-Odds and Ends."
At a retreat in a mountain monastery run on the principles of shikantaza, one student was particularly sharp in his questioning of the roshi.
"You talk so much about sitting," the student said, "and how we just sit, and just sitting is all that matters, and is the expression of perfection and enlightenment and all.
But why sitting? What is so special about sitting? Why do we just sit, instead of, I don't know, just holding an apple or something?"
The roshi took an apple from the bowl at his side and threw it at the questioner.
Instinctively, the student put out his hand and caught it.
At the slap of the apple against his palm, the student was enlightened.
Or at least he shut up for awhile.
Three Zen students came out of a Dharma talk.
"What did you
think of Roshi's talk today?" one of them asked. "When he talked about
"Ah," said the second, "but your even saying that is dualistic itself, don't you see?"
"Look who's talking," said the third. "I'm glad I'm not dualistic like you guys!"
Ram Dass tells the story of the village tailor, Zumbak, the most famous tailor in the land. A man wanted a new suit. He had himself measured and later went for the final fitting. The right sleeve was two inches longer than the left, but Zumbak never admitted a mistake and didn't like back talk. "There's nothing wrong with the suit, my good man. Clearly it's the way you're standing." So the tailor pushed on the man's shoulder until the sleeves appeared even. Then the man saw that the fabric at the back was hunched up around the neck. "There's nothing wrong with your suit. It's the way you're standing." The tailor thrust the man's head forward until the suit appeared to fit properly.
So later at the bus stop, the man, with his shoulders lopsided and head straining forward, met a friend who exclaimed, "What a beautiful suit! I'll bet Zumbak the tailor made that suit for you."
"How do you know?"
"Because only a tailor as brilliant as Zumbak could fit a body as crippled as yours."
Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support,
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
can I do?
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7
Sex Is Solved!
Why didn't they think of this before? The California Assembly, where every seat is up for election in November, has passed a bill requiring the state's sex-education teachers to instruct their students to refrain from sexual intercourse "until they are ready for marriage." If this courageous action doesn't bring premarital sex to a dead stop in California, probably nothing will.
Like every measure passed by the state Legislature, this one is no doubt meant to be taken seriously. Young people simply must be told to abstain from sex until they enter into and "honor and respect" the institution of monogamous marriage. As every parent can testify, all you have to do is tell a teen-ager not to do something and lo! That thing is not done. The Assembly's approach is ingenious in its simplicity. It also would not cost any money. These are important considerations in an election year. If only the Assembly had the wit to act earlier, 10 or 20 or 30 years ago, California by now would surely have been freed from the plagues of teen-age pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.
The only thing we don't like about the Assembly's action is that it leaves it up to sex-education teachers to instruct young people to abstain from sex. Sex-education teachers sometimes mumble or are otherwise hard to understand. We think that it would be far more effective for the Assembly just to order teen-agers to remain chaste until marriage. Teen-agers might snicker at teachers or even parents who told them to do that. Let the word come from the Assembly, though, and it will no doubt be treated with all the respect it deserves.
A Man's Place
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
[Addendum by Gill Eardley: My fantasy would require at least five men. One to cook, one to clean, one to garden, one to do all the little maintenance jobs around the house. Can't think what the fifth was for... ha ha]
[Testosterone flows freest, women believe, as men converse over a drink. But this version of saloon talk takes a different tack.]
Three guys are talking in a tavern-two are concerned with the amount of control they have over their wives. The third man holds his silence. After a while, talkers turns to the silent companion to ask: "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow admits, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
"Wow! What happened then?" his drinking buddies asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
After the Delete Button
Consider this variety of approaches to the eternal question: Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key?
Put your dog and your husband in the trunk for a short while, open the trunk, and see who sits up smiling at you. That's right, the dog.
I've heard of a hard-working fella that had seen just about everything over the years. He has an assistant apprentice who was learning the ropes of a fairly dangerous trade. One day when the youngster was moving too fast and being out of a natural and safe rhythm, the older mentor sat him down for an early lunch and said, "Let's chat a little."
Being very agreeable, they sat down and
began their lunch. After a short time, the mentor started recounting how difficult
this work had been for him over a long, long time in deeply respecting how it
could safely be accomplished. The young man listened intently as they ate their
lunches. The hard-working fella said he had been like this young man in always
pushing the envelope to get ahead. "I've spent so very long pushing Lever
A, that these days all I do is go with Lever B (pronounced "leave 'er be")
Milestones in psychological assessment and job screening:
Groucho: Now, listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first you have to answer a couple of important questions. Now. . .what is it that has 4 pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?
Chico: 'At'sa good one. I give you 3 guesses.
Groucho: Now lemme see. . . . Has 4 pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia . . . Is it male or female?
Chico: No, I no think so.
Groucho: Is he dead?
Groucho: I don't know. I give up!
I give up too.
magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits
out of rats."
is just a simple matter of punctuation... like the sentence "women without
her man is nothing" which, when punctuated by men, states: "woman, without
her man, is nothing"; and by women: "woman. without her, man is nothing"...
Love gives and
forgives; ego gets and forgets.
you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
In the Garden of Eden, Eve cries out to God, "Lord!"
"What is it, Eve ?"
"Lord, I know you have created me and this beautiful garden and all ofthese wonderful animals, but I'm unhappy."
"Why is that, Eve ?"
"I'm lonely and sick of apples."
"Eve, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord ?"
"The man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies and prone to fighting. Will have an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. On balance, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be faster, bigger and more muscular than you. Good at kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants. He will give you children."
"I'll give the man a try," says Eve.
"Yes. There is one condition," God announces.
"What's that, Lord?"
let him believe I made him first."
Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice
day' cures chronic depression."
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over
the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next. Finally,
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe
zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."
can I miss you when you won't go away?
As the March-Hare said to Alice, "You must be mad, or you wouldn't be here.
is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.
An old man, Jesus and Moses were all playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee, takes his swing and plunk! The ball landed right in the water drift. The two men groan when all of a sudden Moses raises his hands high in the air and the water parts and he walks through the separation, takes his swing and makes the hole on the second shot. The other two men applaud as Jesus steps up to the tee. Taking his swing, the ball plunks into the water ahead. Moses and the old mans groaning halt though when Jesus walks on top of the water to just above the ball. Taking his swing bellow the water surface he hits the hole on the second swing.
As the other two men applaud the old man steps up to the tee and takes his swing, but just as the ball is about to land in the water a large fish jumps up and swallows the ball, then just before the fish is about to dive back into the water, a mighty eagle swoops down and grabs the fish soaring off into the sky. Suddenly a lightening bolt
flashes through the sky coming so close to the eagle, it drops the fish, the fish lands about four foot away from the hole. as the fish hits the green the ball pops out of it's mouth landing in the hole making a hole in one.
Just then Moses throwing down his club in anger, and
says to Jesus: "I am not playing with your dad again!" Jesus spins around,
hands on his hips and yells, dad! If you're going to show off, we aren't going
to play golf with you any more!!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the door."
little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and
fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some shit on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow shit,
it began to realize how warm it was. The shit was actually thawing him out! He
lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
The three morals:
a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol-dead.
the Science teacher asked the class-"What can you learn from this experiment?"
father built a successful waste disposal business, and then a horticultural business.
When people would comment on some of the compost, my husband would say: 'It may
be shit to you, but it is bread and butter to us." :-)
nondual ping-pong the one player doesn't need to keep a score. But he has to be
able to run around the table pretty darn fast...
only the teeth you want to keep.
you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it's only a minute. But when
you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Go Camping
Upon awakening in the middle of the night Holmes asks, "Watson, what do the stars make you think of?"
Watson replies, "Well Holmes, I suppose I think of infinity, of the mysterious beauty of the universe, and of how much there is to discover and understand. What do they make you think of?"
Holmes replies, "Well, Watson, they make me think that someone has stolen our tent."
Just Smile and say "Fantastic"
Dear Ann Landers: This is for the man who feels inferior and depressed after comparing himself himself with college classmates who have done so much better in life-financially, that is.
I'm reminded of the story about two women who saw each other at their 25th college reunion for the first time since they left school. P.B., Prairie village, Kansas
First woman: Marjorie! It's wonderful to see you again. You look terrific. How has life been treating you?
Marjorie: Things couldn't be better. My husband, Tom, has made a huge success of his father's small business. He has opened five branch offices-one in Tokyo. Tom was named "Man of the Year" by the Chamber of Commerce. He's going to be president of the Chamber in the spring.
First woman: That's fantastic.
Marjorie: I'm very active in volunteer work, which I love. I've been president of the Junior League three years in a row. No one will run against me. It seems they won't let me go. This may turn out to be a lifetime job!
First woman: That's fantastic.
Marjorie: Our son, Jim, made Phi Beta Kappa. He is captain of the football team and was named "fraternity man of the year."
First woman: That's fantastic.
Marjorie: Our daughter, Julie, was named most likely to succeed in the senior class at the university. She was also elected president of her sorority.
Fist woman: Fantastic.
Marjorie: But what about you, dear? What have you been up to lately?
First woman: My life is not as exciting as yours but I just finished an interesting course in charm school.
Marjorie: Charm school? That's fascinating! What did you learn there?
First woman: They taught us to say "fantastic" instead of "Bull----"
A man walked into a psychologist's office, sits down and begins to share his plight. All the time the man is snapping his fingers on both hands. Letting this continue without comment for several minutes, the therapists during a lule in the the conversation, "By the way, what is the snapping of your fingers all about?"
The man disarmedly answers without any hesitancy, "That's to keep the evil spirts away."
After a moment the psychologist replies, "Gee, I don't see any evil spirits."
The gentleman proudly answers, "See!"
"There are some things," said Nasrudin, "that you positively know, inwardly, must be untrue."
"Can I have an example?", asked someone who was always looking for evidence of the supernatural.
"Certainly. For instance, the other
day when I was walking along, I overheard a rumor that I was dead."
The King of Beasts
A joke told in story form goes that an egotistical lion, the king of beasts and the top of the food chain, was feeling rather full of himself one day. The lion took a notion to eat an entire bull. And so he did, he ate the entire bull! Afterwards, feeling even more full of himself, he let loose a bone-chilling, ferocious roar that resonated for what seemed like minutes throughout the jungle. Unbeknownst to the lion, there was a big-game hunger nearby who promptly shot and killed the lion. The moral of the story: if you're full of bull, you best keep your mouth shut!
The Distracted Centipede
centipede was happy quite
How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
Dear Lord, protect me from your followers!
Oops, my karma ran over your dogma.
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.
(Slogan for proselytizers:) Let us prey.
Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse!
Wag more, bark less
George Carlin, On Reversing Life's Sequence:
I want to live my next
Graffiti seen on a restroom wall: "God is dead."-Nietzsche.
Below that was written: "Nietzsche is dead."-God.
Voltaire: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To test me, send money.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I don't have a problem with willpower. It's won't power I have a problem with.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
Life is sexually transmitted.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
My reality check just bounced.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Clones are people two.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
I can resist anything but temptation
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're
going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on
earth and you should save it for someone you love.
How much "ego" do you need?
A student once asked Zen teacher Steve Allen, "If you were given a wish-fulfilling jewel, what would you wish for?" "To stop wishing," replied Allen.
Two men meet on the street: "How are you?" one asks.
The other replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around doing nothing!"
Question: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
Answer: He enters Nerdvana.
Skinny Dipping the OZ way!
For several years, an elderly Darwin man had owned a large farm which had a large pond in the back. It was a proper good 'un - clear water, nice and deep at one end an ideal spot for swimming. He had fixed it up pretty good too; picnic tables, a horseshoe court, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to take a walk down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some of his fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee and as he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He coughed to make the women aware of his presence, which caused them to scream out loud and splash noisily towards the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
Some old men still think real fast!
New Age Blonde
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Frogs for Girls!
A woman out shopping sees a counter marked "Sex Frogs," and goes to check it out. She asks the man behind the counter, "What's this?"
He replies, "Oh these are going very well. You buy a frog and take it home in a box, and when you are ready for bed, you put the frog on your pillow, and we guarantee that you will have the best night ever."
The woman whispers to him, "Okay then, I'll take one."
He puts a frog into a box, and points out the label with the instructions. "If you have any problems, there is a help line phone number on the box."
That night, she gets ready for bed, puts the frog on her pillow, and gets into bed. Nothing happens.
She feels so disappointed that she gets up and checks the box. It says: In case of any complaint, please phone this number." She phones the number and 10 minutes later, a man appears at her door.
"Show me where the frog is," he says.
She takes him upstairs and points to the frog, still sitting on her pillow. The man picks up the frog and says, "Okay, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
So the Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
The Angels' Place
Santa was very cross. It was Xmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out earlier and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?."
thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
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