Welcome to the archived web site of
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Psychologist (1950-2013)
California License No. PSY 10092
 
Specializing in Presence-Centered Therapy
balancing mind and heart, body and spirit

Now in memoriam - This website is no longer being updated

 


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Couples / Marriages: Commitment, Satisfaction, Couple Skills & Communication Skills

Couples / Marriages Relationships, Commitment & Satisfaction: Research Findings | Couples / Marriage Relationships: Couple Skills, Premarital Questions & Gender Differences | Communication in Relationships

Emotional Attunement & Strong Social Relationships

Emotional attunement and misattunement, along with repairing misattunement, are core understandings for healthy early attachment for infants and children as well as experiencing "corrective emotional experiences" in effective therapy. Here are a wealth of articles exploring this subject, including the seminal research by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth and UCLA School of Medicine psychologist Allan N. Schore, Ph.D. Attunement, or following and responding to a person's cues including one's baby's cues, is at the heart of healthy attachment and bonding. The article "The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love" by Lauren Lindsey Porter is a wonderfully clear review of this line of research. Website "The Natural Child Project" offers a great number of articles and book references, including "attachment parenting." Dr. Allan N. Schore's article from December 2007 is a comprehensive overview of relational trauma and how it impacts the developing brain. Peter A. Levine, Ph.D. holds doctorates in both Medical Biophysics and in Psychology and is the author of Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma and the recent Trauma-Proofing Your Kids. He created an inquiry/body-awareness approach for the healing of trauma called "Somatic Experiencing" for healing traumas (or could be considered severe misattunements).
naturalchild.org/guest/lauren_lindsey_porter.html
myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=9
naturalchild.org/articles/attachment_parenting.html
naturalchild.org/articles
yellowbrickprogram.com/Papers_By_Yellowbrick/~
somaticexperiencing.com/html/what_is_se.html 

50% increased likelihood of survival for study participants with stronger social relationships says meta-study across 148 studies: Significant differences of social relationships on risk for mortality remained consistent across age, sex, initial health status, cause of death, and follow-up period.
plosmedicine.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pmed.1000316 

Couple Research Findings & Commentary

After more than three decades of researching marriage, John Gottman has found that healthy couples almost never listen and echo each other's feelings naturally. Further, Gottman noted that a 1984 Munich research study showed that the active/reflective listening exercise itself didn't help couples to improve their marriage. At the same time Carl Rogers, the father of modern therapy, in 1957 said, "Active listening is an important way to bring about changes in people." In my clinical experience, at the least, active or reflective listening does seem to help two people get on the same page in conversations, a good start to begin addressing their issues and concerns. Once again, decide for yourself.
stritch.luc.edu/depts/psych/specialties/couples_therapy.htm
shapse.com/html/listening.html

2010 update on the state of dating and marriage: The New York Review of Books look at five recent books on marriage in the August 19, 2010 article "The Marrying Kind" by Diane Johnson. Well worth a read.
nybooks.com/articles/archives/2010/aug/19/marrying-kind

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of several books including Why Him? Why Her? (2009), has developed a provocative theory about romantic attraction and four broad personality types (with a major subtype)—Explorer, Builder, Director and Negotiator—with each type governed by different chemical systems in the brain. The following articles and videos are well worth investigating
oprah.com/article/omagazine/200706_omag_lovetype
elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/The-Laws-Of-Attraction
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_(anthropologist)
helenfisher.com/index.html

Videos: youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY&feature=channel
youtube.com/watch?v=x-ewvCNguug&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=Q78oSyoWViE&feature=related

Huge study of singles show that single men are, on the whole, as likely to want to get married as single women, exploding the myth of men being "commitment-phobic": Results released in February 2011 of a study of 5,200 people ages 21 to over 65 who weren't married, engaged or in a serious relationship, was funded by Match.com and carried out by an independent company in conjunction with Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, social historian stephanie Cotz and the evolutionary studies program at Binghamton University. Men's greater inclination toward parenthood (i.e., wanting children) seems to hold across every age group, while women were much more interested in the their independence, specifically in having their own interests, their own personal space, their own bank account, regularly having a night out with the guys or girls, and being able to vacation on their own. Times they are a changing.
time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2045876,00.html?xid=rss-mostpopular

Marital and Couple Issues: Useful articles
mindpub.com/topic44.htm

Marriage: A changing institution—A Time magazine cover article in November 2010 chronicles how marriage is changing, some would say in some disturbing ways. Recently the Pew survey found that nearly 40% of Americans think marriage is obsolete and 44% under 30 believe marriage is headed for extinction. At the same time, 46% of college graduates and 44% of the less educated want to get married. In 2010 the median age of men getting married for the first time is 28.2 and for women it's 26.1, given the speculation fewer people are married given that people want to finish college first. While two-thirds of all people think a man should be a good provider, more men than women do. Also almost a third of people think it's important for a wife to be a good provider too. Cohabitation is on the rise as seen in a 13% increase in couples living together from 2009 to 2010. An excerpt: "Half or more of the respondents in the Pew poll say that marital status is irrelevant to achieving respect, happiness, career goals, financial security or a fulfilling sex life. When it comes to raising kids, though, it's a landslide, with more than three-quarters saying it's best done married." Another excerpt: "It seems that the 21st century marriage, with its emphasis on a match of equals, has brought about a surge in inequality. It's easier for the college-educated, with their dominance of the knowledge economy, to get married and stay married. The less well off delay marriage because their circumstances feel so tenuous, then often have kids, which makes marrying even harder. "A marriage gap and a socioeconomic gap have been growing side by side for the past half-century," the Pew study's authors note, "and each may be feeding off the other."
time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2031962,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly

What might be the next stage in the evolution of Marriage?—A July 2011 New York Times Opinion article opens a debate with five other writers.
nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2011...marriage-how-moral-norms-evolve

Men seem able to pick up when women are ovulating/fertile since men in a relationship, unlike the unattached, tell themselves that a fertile women isn't really that attractive, says February 2011 research findings—What else does evolutionary psychology research findings say in the area? Previous research had demonstrated that a woman at the fertile stage of her menstrual cycle seems more attractive. The current research finds that this finding only holds when this woman was rated by a man who wasn't already involved with someone else. Other recent studies have found big changes in cues and behavior when a woman is at this stage of peak fertility, including the pit of a woman's voice rises and men rate her body odor as more attractive and respond with higher levels of testosterone. Fascinating.
nytimes.com/2011/02/22/science/22tier.html?_r=1&nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha210 

The Marriage Effect: The Marrying Kind: Born or Made?—Is it that nice men marry or that marriage makes men nice? According to a January 2011 New York Times article summarizing recent research, it is both. Sociologists call "the marriage effect" studies showing that once men are under the influence of women in a marriage, they work more, make more money, go to church more, eat more healthily and drink less unhealthily. S. Alexandra Burt, an associate professor of psychology at Michigan State University, used identical male twins to help tease apart biological and environmental factors and found that those who exhibited lower levels of antisocial behavior at ages 17 and 20 were more likely to be married by age 29. At the same time, once married, their rates of antisocial behavior, defined as committing illegal acts, irritability and aggressiveness, failure to pay debt, and disregarding the safety of others, declined even more. A link below explores the debate between selection and environment in asking the question, "Does marriage make people happy, or do happy people get married?"
nytimes.com/2011/01/16/fashion/16Studied.html
ionainstitute.ie/index.php?id=1202
ionainstitute.ie/index.php?id=1196
docs.google...bsfrey.ch/articles...the+marriage+effect...in+sociology- 

Marriage Satisfaction, Commitment and Health Research Findings

Marriage is remarkably good for your physical and psychological health: An April 2010 article in The New York Times by Well columnist Tara Parker-Pope, author of the forthcoming book For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, found that the health advantage of marriage is strongly supported by studies showing that married people are less likely to get pneumonia, have surgery, develop dancer or have heart attacks. A study of two dozen causes of death in the Netherlands found that in just about every category, ranging from violent deaths like homicide and car accidents to certain forms of cancer, the unmarried were at far higher risk than the married. Swedish researchers found that being married or cohabitating at midlife is associated with lower risk for dementia. New studies show that the marriage advantage does not extend to those in troubled relationships, which can leave a person far less healthy than if she or he had never married at all. One recent study suggests that a stressful marriage can be as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit. Another major 2009 study concluded that single people who have never married have better health than those who married and never divorced. Another study suggested that marital stress in the form of engaging in arguments negatively impacts the body's immune functioning, specifically having wounds take a full two days longer to heal than those of couples who had showed less animosity while fighting. Epidemiological data shows that couples in troubled marriages appear to be more susceptible to illness than happier couples. Psychology professor and researcher Timothy W.Smith found important differences between men and women when it comes to health and the style of conflict that can jeopardize it: women were at highest risks for signs of heart disease when marital battles lacked any signs of warmth, while for men hostile and negative marital battles seemed to have no effect on heart risk but were at risk for higher coronary calcium score when their marital spats turned into battles for control and had any appearance of controlling language. Thus for both men and women, the emotional tone of a marital fight turned out to be just as predictive of poor heart health as whether the individual smoked or had high cholesterol. Another study found that married people who became single though divorce or the death of a spouse suffered a decline in physical health from which they never fully recovered and had 20 percent more chronic health issues as well as aging less gracefully. Still another study found that ending marriage through separation, divorce or death is linked to an increased risk of mental health disorders, with women more likely to resort to substance abuse and men more likely to become depressed. Furthermore, married people live longer than similar individuals who are singe or divorced, have lower rates of substance abuse and alcohol consumption than unmarried individuals, have a much lower rate of suicide than those who divorce, and on average are healthier than single, divorced or cohabiting individuals.
nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html?th&emc=th
ezinearticles.com/?Is-Marriage-Good-For-Your-Health?&id=1853610
articlesbase.com...marriage-is-good-for-your-health-wealth...pleasure~
yourchurchwedding.org...marriage-is-good-for-your-health...extends-your-life~
dailymail.co.uk/health...Marriage-good-health--ending-puts-risk-illness.html~

Marriage Satisfaction research: The U-Shaped Curve of marriage satisfaction: satisfaction in marriages is highest before children, declines with children, reaches its low point when children are in adolescence, and goes up to the original high level when children leave the home. Research shows that the more anxious and/or depressed either spouse was, the more dissatisfied he or she was with the marriage. Similarities in personality lead to marriage satisfaction and happiness research demonstrates. Pre-marital cohabitation research shows it does not lead to increased satisfaction or stability in marriage, doesn't lead to marriage in the majority of cases, and increases the chances of divorce in those that do marry.
apa.org/releases/maritaldepress.html
scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=study-shows-like-personal
livescience.com/culture/090408-kids-marriage.html
nytimes.com/2009/01/20/health/20well.html
lifesitenews.com/ldn/2008/aug/08080106.html
dibbleinstitute...Predictors-Of-Success-And-Failure-In-Marriage...cohabitation~

A remarkable study of over 15,000 couples by David H. Olson, Ph.D. found seven distinct profiles of marriages: This study shows that the vast majority of couples are in distressed and unsatisfied marriages, with only 35% of couples in moderately or highly satisfied marriages. Only Type 7 Vitalized marriages (9% or 1 in 11 couples) were highly satisfied and Olson describes them as: "They are personally integrated, have strong internal resources, and agree in most external areas. They develop difficulties but resolve them well." This summary of Olson's major research study provides an incredible "window in" to the current landscape of marriages, even with the data being collected in the early 1990's. Highly recommended
psychologytoday.com/articles/199301/arrangement-marriages

John Gottman, Ph.D. provides empirically based research findings and recommendations for couples to enhance their marital satisfaction and raise emotionally intelligent and healthy children. He is professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington and is widely seen as the leading empirical researcher of marital satisfaction over the last quarter century. His book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (2004) written with co-author Nan Silver may be his clearest and most useful book for couples that details most of his negative findings in the first chapter and devotes the rest of the book to what works in marriages with specific exercises for couple partners to learn more about each other. His research shows that the magic ratio is 5 to 1, that is, so long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interactions between husband and wife as there are negative ones, the marriage was likely to be stable over time. Those headed for divorce had too little on the positive side to mitigate for the growing negativity between them. He calls the four disastrous ways couples interact the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", which include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He offers specific ways to help improve your marriage. He has written Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (1998) and gives five keys for "emotion coaching."
74.125.155.132...understandingrelationships.net...When Marriages Fail.ppt~
74.125.155.132...understandingrelationships~
psychologytoday.com/articles/199511/the-secret-happy-marriages
psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work
psychologytoday.com/articles/200009/welcome-the-love-lab
gottman.com/marriage/self_help
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman
gottman.com/parenting/research

Videos: youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA
youtube.com/watch?v=WRobpAKT7Qs&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=8Ig1HwO8Bng
youtube.com/watch?v=zk4j3iesBTc&feature=related

Science of Commitment level in marriages: Recent research reported in May 2010 in the New York Times suggests that while some people may be naturally more resistant to temptation, men and women can also train themselves to protect their relationships and raise their level/feelings of commitment. Scientists speculate that it may not be feelings of love or loyalty that keep couples together so much as how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons, a concept that psychologist Arthur Aron calls "self-expansion." Dr. Aron states, "We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us." Continuing, he notes, "That's why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together."
well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/10/tracking-the-science-of-commitment/?th&emc=th 

Fulfilling, sustaining partnerships are based on giving each other opportunities to grow and e-x-p-a-n-d: Most people seem to want a relationship and marriage that is meaningful, satisfying and sustainable. Research by Dr. Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, summarized in a 1-2-2011 New York Times article, shows that the greater the "self-expansion" people experienced from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. Using pairs of circles to depict partners in a relationship, the more a partner broadens your horizons by accumulating new knowledge and experiences, the more likely the circles will overlap. Researcher Caryl Rusbult is cited in the article in called this the "Michelangelo effect" that refers to how close partners "sculpt" each other in ways that aid and help each of them attain valued goals. In a 2009 research article in the journal Psychological Science, people who were bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles, while partners involved in interesting and novel experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and be less likely to report boredom. Effects of self-expansion are especially pronounced when people first fall in love. An excerpt: "It's not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were not an essential part of how they experienced their life. All of this can be highly predictive for a couple's long-term happiness."
nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/31/the-sustainable-marriage-quiz 

Men & Women in Relationships Research Findings

Men are more likely to say "I Love You" first in a relationship, according to a May 2011 research study: Results showed that two-thirds of men in heterosexual relationships said those three little words first, often a full six weeks before the woman. Dr. Laura Berman cautions about the motivation behind saying, "I love you" first, as men do tend to like to hear it before a couple has sexual relations. An excerpt: She mentions, “…[the man] offers intimacy because he wants sex, and she offers sex because she wants intimacy… Men often require sex to feel intimate with their partner, while women require just the opposite.”
newsfeed.time.com/2011/05/05/study-men-more-likely-to-say-i-love-you-first-in-relationships~

Men, typically, are more romantic than woman—Another gender myth shot down: Research findings released in January 2011 by Professor Dr. Terri Orbuch and published in The Huffington Post found support for that men are commonly more romantic than women (romanticism referring to a person's general beliefs about love, not a specific person or his/her behaviors). You can also take a brief quiz and see how much of a realist, sweet dreamer or total romantic your answers reveal.
huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/are-men-more-romantic-tha~

Brides who keep their maiden names secure higher pay, are judged to be more professional than married-name brides and are more likely to win a job, an April 2011 Dutch study found: The higher pay for brides who keep their maiden names over a lifetime of employment works out, at today's exchange rate from Euros into dollars, to more than $524,000! Are you listening women, and especially brides to be?
smartmoney.com/investing/economy/are-maiden-names-really-worth~

Thorny relationships enact a far greater toll on men than women—A June 2010 research study reported in the New York Times appears to show that young men feel more harmed than women when there is strain in ongoing romantic relationships and benefit more than women from support. For women it is whether they're in a relationship at all that counts. Robin W. Simon, one of the researchers, notes that “It’s a little bit pathetic. Even though there’s been so much social change in this area, women’s self-worth is still so much tied up with having a boyfriend. It’s unfortunate.” One hypothesis the authors suggest is while women have outlets for emotional engagement in their close friendships, men are seemingly disconnected and adrift without the ongoing care of a female mate.
nytimes.com/2010/07/25/fashion/25Studied.html

Downside of marriage for women who marry an older or younger spouse: May 2010 research showed that the greater the age difference from the husband, the lower the wife's life expectancy (and irrespective of whether the woman is younger or older than her spouse)—For men, the mortality risk of a husband who is seven to nine years older than his wife is reduced by eleven percent compared with couples where both partners are of the same age. Conversely, a man dies earlier when he is younger in age than his spouse. In other words, this study found that women who find wedded bliss with men of their own age live longer. Harvard psychology professor and author Ellen J. Langer, Ph.D. helps understand this phenomena, at least in part, by understanding contexts as "primes" (as in priming a shift in mindset). She and her colleagues found support for the general hypothesis that if we are in contexts that prime older age, we tend to age more quickly. For example, she found that men who bald prematurely have a greater risk of being diagnosed with prostate cancer and of being diagnosed with coronary heart disease than men who are not bald. Further, she found that spouses who are significantly younger than their partners have shorter life expectancies than spouses who are much older than their partners [see her book Counter Clockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility (2009, pages 118-123).
sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm
thejakartaglobe.com...women-who-find-wedded-bliss-with-men-their-own-age-live-longer~

Couples / Marriages Relationships, Commitment & Satisfaction: Research Findings | Couples / Marriage Relationships: Couple Skills, Premarital Questions & Gender Differences | Communication in Relationships

Couples that are Happy

At a couple seminar by spiritual teachers and married partners Adyashanti and Mukti, Adya shares an opening joke called "Adam and Eve—The Origin of Relationship" which is very humorous as well as landing closer to home than is comfortable.
youtube.com/watch?v=sYr7KYWVzoE&feature=related 

"10 Habits of Happy Couples" by Psychiatrist Mark Goulston, M.D. provides practical reminders for all couples
psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/200911/10-habits-happy-couples 

Key to Happy Marriage: Mom Cooks, Dad Plays: Research published in January 2011 in the journal Developmental Psychology found that couples in which the father spent more time playing with the kid while the mom did more of the nuts-and-bolts caregiving had a "stronger, more supportive co-parenting relationship."—An excerpt: "...couples where the father participates equally in traditional caregiving tasks, like preparing meals or giving baths (!!), tend to clash more than couples where the mother does a bigger share. Specifically, couples that strive for more equal co-parenting end up displaying “less supportive and more undermining co-parenting behavior toward each other,” the researchers found." Once again, the more things change the more some things remain the same...
blogs.wsj.com...key-to-happy-marriage-mom-cooks-dad-plays~ 

Couples who delay having sex get benefits later, research results released in December 2010 found—This study of 2,035 married individuals found the following benefits enjoyed by couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship: relationship stability rated 22 percent higher; relationship satisfaction rated 20 percent higher; sexual quality of the relationship rated 15 percent better; and communication rated 12 percent better.
sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101222112102.htm
ts-si.org/relationships/28191-delay-sex-increase-benefits
wisecounsel.wordpress.com...delaying-sex-til-marriage-improves-your-relationship~

Marital happiness is far more important than anything else, including career triumphs and success, in determining personal well-being: A March 30, 2010 Op-Ed article by New York Times columnist David Brooks entitled "The Sandra Bullock Trade" is highly revealing.
nytimes.com/2010/03/30/opinion/30brooks.html

Money and couple satisfaction: Money, that is, what money stands for (e.g., love, trust, respect, enjoyment, opportunity, loyalty and so on), is possibly the single most problematic issue couples face. Several articles explore money, its impact on couples and what couples can do to effectively handle money effecting spouses, family and extended family.
extension.org/pages/Couples’_money_management_behavior~
channels.isp.netscape.com/whatsnew/package.jsp?name=fte/materialistic~
nytimes.com/2009...your-money/household-budgeting/07money.html`~
financialplan.about.com/cs/familyfinances/a/CouplesMoney.htm
smartmoney.com...marriage-divorce/the-six-financial-mistakes~
hffo.cuna.org/10014/article/732/html
moneywatch.bnet.com.../family-finance/marriage-money-rules~
docs.google.com...bsu.edu/workingwell~

How odd couples cope: When introverts marry extraverts, the key to happy unions appears to be developing an understanding that their brains truly work not the same. The same seems to apply when a neatnik loves a slob or a diehard Democrat is wed to a staunch Republican. Peaceful co-existence is possible through the prism of seeing your partnership as complementary and not the same, instead of opposite or different, meaning bad.
online.wsj.com~
oprah.com/home/How-Couples-Cope-With-Their-Messier-Half_1

Fulfilling, sustaining partnerships are based on giving each other opportunities to grow and e-x-p-a-n-d: Most people seem to want a relationship and marriage that is meaningful, satisfying and sustainable. Research by Dr. Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, summarized in a 1-2-2011 New York Times article, shows that the greater the "self-expansion" people experienced from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. Using pairs of circles to depict partners in a relationship, the more a partner broadens your horizons by accumulating new knowledge and experiences, the more likely the circles will overlap. Researcher Caryl Rusbult is cited in the article in called this the "Michelangelo effect" that refers to how close partners "sculpt" each other in ways that aid and help each of them attain valued goals. In a 2009 research article in the journal Psychological Science, people who were bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles, while partners involved in interesting and novel experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and be less likely to report boredom. Effects of self-expansion are especially pronounced when people first fall in love. An excerpt: "It's not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were not an essential part of how they experienced their life. All of this can be highly predictive for a couple's long-term happiness."
nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/31/the-sustainable-marriage-quiz

Premarital Questions to ask / Cohabitation Research

Questions to ask and activities to do when you are considering marriage or engaged—Remarkable resources are available for couples to use to get go know each other and determine their compatibility BEFORE marriage. Several questions help create a "Love Map" with people you are close to as outlined in John Gottman's books. Links to other pertinent books and resources for couples to better know each other and discover their compatibility before marrying or during engagement are available on the links below. The books 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married (2004) by Monica Mendez Leahy and How to Love Me: The Lover's Book of Questions (2007) by Ali Davis are valuable resources on this journey.
....svdpsf.org...The_Love_Map...exercise+1:the+love+map+20+questions+game~
nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html
marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/tenquestions.htm
marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues.htm
ehow.com/how_2078505_marry-right-reasons.html
nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17field.html
amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married~
amazon.com/How-Love-Me-Lovers-Questions~

Please see Dr. Friedman's article "Questions To Live By"
willjoelfriedman.com/articles/articAppr-Questions.html

Premarital cohabiting research is somewhat mixed, although most of the study results show it leads to shorter marriages, lower levels of satisfaction in marriage, more struggle and stressful than being married, and a greater potential for divorce (of course, almost no one contemplating cohabitation considers any of this): The data reveal that just over 50 percent of first cohabiting couples ever get married. Another recent national study found that living together before marriage doesn't significantly raise the likelihood of divorce. Other data show that if cohabitation is limited to a person's eventual spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce as well as in the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education sources or counseling are NOT at a higher risk for divorce. Yes, the picture is mixed, and again fine judgment is required given it is a personal decision and only the people so engaged in such actions will be facing the consequences of the choices made.
nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?ref=us
...living_together_before_marriage_doesnt_significantly_raise_likelihood_of_divorce~
washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/13/AR2009081304118.html
du.edu/today/stories/2009/07/2009-07-15cohabit.html
articles.sfgate.com/2009-02-01/living/17188509_1_cohabitation-marriage-divorce-rates
usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm
sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/07/090713144122.htm
marriage.about.com/od/cohabitation/qt/cohabfacts.htm
smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html 

Gender differences and Male / Female Brains

Gender differences can make a difference—Men's overconfidence hurts them as investors according to March 2010 research findings. Several articles highlight how "the weaker sex" (i.e., women) are actually much more physically and emotionally resilient as well as less vulnerable to a whole host of physical illnesses/challenges. Other related articles provide an ever clearer picture of both male and female predilections, strengths and blind spots. Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, M.D. explores the physical bases for gender differences and shares how brain circuitry and hormonal surges help sculpt each life phase in her books The Female Brain (2006) and the recently released The Male Brain (2010). Revealing indeed, and more to come.
nytimes.com/2010/03/14/business/14mark.html
nytimes.com/2006/06/17/opinion/17legato.html
fact.on.ca/news/news0303/nt030316.htm
elle.com/Pop-Culture...The-Male-Brain-Why-Men-Think-The-Way-They-Do~
randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl/9780767927536.html
elle.com/Pop-Culture/Movies-TV-Music-Books/The-Male-Brain
abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/story?id=2274147&page=1
oprah.com/health/Excerpt-from-The-Female-Brain-by-Dr-Louann-Brizendine
docs.google.com...baylor.edu/content/services...The+female+brain~
dailycognition.com...the-female-brain-and-sexuality-10-interesting-facts~
lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=8860752
thirdage.com/love-romance/the-male-vs-the-female-brain
cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/07/21/o.the.male.brain/index.html
psychologytoday.com...male-brain-vs-female-brain-i-why-do-men-try-figure-out-th-0~
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_differences
https://education.illinois.edu/search?q=gender differences
gender.org.uk/about/00_diffs.htm

Male and female brain differences—Males with female brains and females with male brains? There is some speculation that 15 to 20% of men happen to have a female type of brain and about 10% of women have a male type of brain, implying that some small percentage of men and women are partially programmed to the behavior and way of thinking of the opposite gender. Is there any evidence for this?
medicaleducationonline.org~
psychologytoday.com...male-brain-vs-female-brain-i-why-do-men-try-figure-out~
doctorhugo.org/brain4.html
steadyhealth.com...Difference_between_male_and_female_structures~
time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,983698,00.html
articles.latimes.com/2008/jun/17/science/sci-gaybrain17
peoplerelationships.syl.com/battleofsexes/differences
cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/23/brizendine.male.brain/index.html
ezinearticles.com/?Female-Brains-vs.-Male-Brains&id=338170
hannahim.blogspot.com/2005/08/male-brain-in-female-body.html
theabsolute.net/misogyny/brainsx.html
answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090122035546AAwP6VB

Men are more likely to say "I Love You" first in a relationship, according to a May 2011 research study: Results showed that two-thirds of men in heterosexual relationships said those three little words first, often a full six weeks before the woman. Dr. Laura Berman cautions about the motivation behind saying, "I love you" first, as men do tend to like to hear it before a couple has sexual relations. An excerpt: She mentions, “…[the man] offers intimacy because he wants sex, and she offers sex because she wants intimacy… Men often require sex to feel intimate with their partner, while women require just the opposite.”
newsfeed.time.com/2011/05/05/study-men-more-likely-to-say-i-love-you-first-in-relationships~

Men, typically, are more romantic than woman—Another gender myth shot down: Research findings released in January 2011 by Professor Dr. Terri Orbuch and published in The Huffington Post found support for that men are commonly more romantic than women (romanticism referring to a person's general beliefs about love, not a specific person or his/her behaviors). You can also take a brief quiz and see how much of a realist, sweet dreamer or total romantic your answers reveal.
huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/are-men-more-romantic-tha~

Brides who keep their maiden names secure higher pay, are judged to be more professional than married-name brides and are more likely to win a job, an April 2011 Dutch study found: The higher pay for brides who keep their maiden names over a lifetime of employment works out, at today's exchange rate from Euros into dollars, to more than $524,000! Are you listening women, and especially brides to be?
smartmoney.com/investing/economy/are-maiden-names-really-worth~

Thorny relationships enact a far greater toll on men than women—A June 2010 research study reported in the New York Times appears to show that young men feel more harmed than women when there is strain in ongoing romantic relationships and benefit more than women from support. For women it is whether they're in a relationship at all that counts. Robin W. Simon, one of the researchers, notes that “It’s a little bit pathetic. Even though there’s been so much social change in this area, women’s self-worth is still so much tied up with having a boyfriend. It’s unfortunate.” One hypothesis the authors suggest is while women have outlets for emotional engagement in their close friendships, men are seemingly disconnected and adrift without the ongoing care of a female mate.
nytimes.com/2010/07/25/fashion/25Studied.html

Couples Skills / Attractiveness

Couple agreements / behavior-exchange contracts: "Quid pro quo" ("This for that") model versus a "Good-Faith" model—In the 1970's a number of theoretical writings and research articles using unsatisfied married couples tested the effectiveness of using a Quid Pro Quo ("This For That") model of reciprocal compromise in which each partner agrees to fulfill an agreement so long as the other partner fulfills their agreement. Further, when either partner did not follow through with their agreement, the other partner typically would not continue to honor and do their agreements. The alternative of a "Good-Faith" model in which each partner made agreements and followed through with them whether or not their partner fulfilled their agreements. Research studies spearheaded by Neal S. Jacobson showed that a good-faith model for couple agreements seemed to be more effective than a quid pro quo model or style of contracting. Everrett L. Worthington in his book Marriage Counseling (1989, page 349) states, "Quid pro quo contracts involve agreements like, ""I'll do x, if you do y." This embodies the philosophy that is inherent in much of the behavioral approach—one gives in order to get. Good-faith contracts are unilateral agreements that specify what one partner agrees to do for the other, regardless of what the other spouse does." Worthington further likens good-faith agreements as closer to the philosophical foundations of Christianity given they refuse to return evil for evil or good for good while championing doing good to others despite what the other ends up doing. The severe limitation of quid pro quo behavior-exchange contracts is that if one party does not follow through in action with their agreements, then it is common that the other party to not do the same with their agreements. The difference is also described in An Introduction to Marriage and Family Therapy by Lorna L. Hecker & Joseph L. Wetchler (2003, pages 232-233) at a link below.
books.google.com/books...couple+agreements+-+quid+pro+quo+vs.+good+faith~
books.google.com/books...couple+agreements+-+quid+pro+quo+vs.+good+faith&source~
sjstor.org/pss/351158
jstor.org/pss/583050
informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a779559932
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quid_pro_quo

Attractiveness in dating: August 2010 research drawing upon online dating sites provides a most revealing picture. Other links offer many views, with several offering simple things you can do to be more attractive to the opposite sex (although it is not research-based, it appears to be quite helpful). A popular social psychology theory proposes that people are likely to form long standing relationships to those who are equally physically attractive as they are, and a fair amount of evidence found support for the matching hypothesis. Other recent research found support for physical attractiveness, earning power, and ambition are all equal aphrodisiacs. These links are not offered with the intent that the reader will get the requisite information to manipulate their attractiveness to the opposite sex. These links are offered to provide research-based and antidotal information regarding attractiveness for enhancing awareness in dating. Consider being who you truly are in presence, being in excellent health and self-care, smile and be naturally friendly, with a confidant, optimistic attitude.
boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2010/08/22/data_mining_the_heart/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matching_hypothesis
psychcentral.com...physical-attractiveness-earning-power-ambition...equal-aphrodisiacs~
psychologytoday.com/blog/one-among-many/201001/what-whom-women-want
docs.google.com...citeseerx.ist.psu.edu...pdf+attractiveness+in+dating~
flowingdata.com/2008/02/06/speed-dating-data-attractiveness-sincerity-intelligence-hobbies/
trchome.com...hot-or-not-attractiveness-perceptions-and-dating-preferences.html~
kon.org/urc/v9/atchley.html
clearinghouse.missouriwestern.edu/manuscripts/195.php
jyi.org/volumes/volume6/issue6/features/feng.html
themedguru.com/articles/women_find_men_in_expensive_cars_more_attractive~
onlinedatingmagazine.com/columns/drjim/2007/12-universallyattractive.html
askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_300/338_how-women-perceive-attractiveness.html
lifetimesoulmates.com/first_date_tips/attractive.aspx
newsdial.com/relationships/dating/male-attractiveness.html
faculty.babson.edu/krollag/org_site/soc_psych/berscheid_attract.html
docs.google.com...www2.hawaii.edu/~elaineh/13.pdf+attractiveness+in+dating~

How to not be attractive to the opposite sex & how to be more attractive to the opposite sex
ezinearticles.com/?You-May-Not-Be-Attractive...Because-Youre-Oh---So-Boring~
uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-be-more-attractive/
100bestdatingsites.com...37-simple-things-you-can-do-to-be-more-attractive...~
ehow.com/how_2313098_become-more-attractive-opposite-sex.html
wikihow.com/Attract-the-Opposite-Sex
relationshipquestions.net/blog/seduction/how-to-be-more-attractive-to-the-opposite-sex/
hubpages.com/hub/Ways-to-Look-More-Attractive-to-the-Opposite-Sex
bukisa.com/articles/327458_simple-things-to-make-you-more-attractive-to-the-opposite-sex
blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
helium.com/items/1900368-simple-things-to-make-you-more-attractive-to-the-opposite-sex

Prideful Guys and Happy Women are Attractive to the Other gender / Happy Guys and Prideful Women Finish last—The relative sexual attractiveness of individuals showing emotion expressions of happiness, pride, and shame as compared with a neutral control showed that happiness was the most attractive female emotion expression (and one of the least for men), possible related to a friendly and approachable woman may seem more sexually interested or receptive than a high-status woman. Pride was the most attractive male expression (and one of the least attractive in women), possibly related to high-status man is likely to be a better provider than a friendly and approachable man. Absolutely amazing!
sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/05/110524070310.htm
thelongevityproject.com...impact-of-emotion-expressions-on-sexual-attraction~
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21604870

Original Article
docs.google...Impact+of+Emotion+Expressions+on+Sexual+Attraction~

Relationship Authors and Resources

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., psychologist and author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (1986), offers his top 5 needs of men and women in committed relationships: His top five needs for women: 1) Affection, 2) Conversations, 3) Honesty and Openness, 4) Financial support, and 5) Family commitment. His top five needs for men: 1) Sexual fulfillment, 2) Recreational companionship, 3) An attractive spouse, 4) Domestic support, and 5) Admiration. While these "needs" are not research-based or empirically derived, they are what he has seen come up over and over in many decades of clinical work with couples. Others offer other needs. Dr. Harley uses the core metaphor of the "love bank" in which every day each spouse can make positive contributions that help fulfill their spouse' needs that increase the love balance (called deposits) or perform actions that show lack of caring and consideration as well as neglect and cruelty of their spouse and their needs that decreases the love bank (called withdrawals). His vision is: help nurture and maintain love in our relationship/marriage by keeping a high balance in the love bank. Harley states that women leave men when they are neglected, when their fundamental needs for emotional bonding, feelings of intimacy, undivided attention, scheduling time alone with her, and uniting in the spirit. His "policy of joint agreement" is particularly useful: no major decision is made and action taken by either spouse without the enthusiastic support of one's marriage partner, thus they must be enthusiastic about each decision to become united in purpose and spirit, not to control or overpower the other. Dr. Harley also offer six ground rules for handling conflict in relationships.
personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/7728-top-5-needs-men-women.html
ezinearticles.com/?His-Needs,-Her-Needs---A-Book-That-Saves-Marriages~
marriagemissions.com/why-women-leave-men-also-why-men-leave-women
advice.eharmony.com/article/3-reasons-men-leave-women-they-love.html
thrivingmarriage.org/index.cfm?page=YourkidsMyKids
cbn.com/family/DatingSingles/newlife_groundrules.aspx

Dr. Gary Chapman offers the five love languages that couples can learn to speak to each other to enhance the quality of their marriage and relationship—1) Words of affirmation, 2) Quality time, 3) Receiving gifts, 4) Acts of service, and 5) Physical touch: Dr. Chapman's book The Five Love Languages (1995) offers the view that unhappiness in relationships is related to the two parties speaking different love languages. He aims to help people speak and understand emotional love as expressed through the five love languages. In my practice I adapt his five love languages and ask couples to rank the top three for their partner and then discover just how accurate or inaccurate the person is and how willing they are to adapt to meeting their partners preferred ways of being loved. Of course, it means releasing giving our partner what we want, so we can give our partner what he or she wants. Quite a shift. Take the "Love languages test" that was adapted from his book and see what your preferred ways of being loved are. Also peruse the five languages of apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas—1) Expressing regret, 2) Accept responsibility, 3) Make restitution, 4) Genuinely repent, and 5) Request forgiveness.
5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Chapman_%28author%29
edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage
5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-languages-of-apology

Dr. Harville Hendrix, counselor and author of Getting the Love You Want (1988) and other books, offers the view that he calls the Imago Theory of intimate relationships: Imago is Latin for image and stands for the composite image of all our early childhood caregivers. Dr. Hendrix says it is "the image of the person who can me me whole again" given that we find, select and attract partners that feel familiar because they remind us of our primary caregivers, thus providing the opportunity to help us complete and heal the unfinished business of our childhood. Also explore his "Intentional dialogue" exercise using three steps: 1) Mirroring, 2) Validating, and 3) Empathizing.
psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200902/seven-questions-harville-hendrix
oprah.com/relationships/Marital-Therapist-Harville-Hendrix-Tells-the-Simple-Truth-About-Love/1
soulfulliving.com/love_you_want.htm
oprah.com/relationships/Intentional-Dialogue-Exercise-The-Steps

Nonviolent Communication, Powerful Non-Defensive Communication & Couple Skills: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (1999) offers the NVC Model---Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. Sharon Strand Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (2002) offers the PNDC Process---Questions, Statements and Predictions. Ellison offers a summary sheet of her PNDC Process as well as the Six Defensive Reactions. Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Patrick Fanning & Kim Paleg, Ph.D., author of Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (1994, 2nd Edition 2006)) offers a number of highly practical communication skills, including blocks to listening, positions/coping strategies, needs and fears, the ten commandments of clean communication (including using "whole messages" consisting of observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs or wants with lots of clear illustrations, recognizing eight aversive communication strategies, and identifying your unspoken rules that underlie areas of relationship conflict. Preview the Second Edition at the link below. All recommended

Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication:
cnvc.org/en/online-learning/nvc-concepts/nonviolent-communication
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
cnvc.org
nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm
baynvc.org

Ellison's Powerful Non-Defensive Communication:
ctmediationcenter.com...taking_the_war_out_of_our_words.pdf+powerful+non-defensive+communication~
familywizard.com/ofw/index.cfm/blog/powerful-non-defensive-communication
pndc.com/PNDCSummarySheet.pdf
mediate.com/articles/ford7.cfm
pndc.com

McKay, Fanning & Peleg's Couple Skills
mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=4046&type=book&cn=289
books.google.com...couple+skills~

Active Listening to understand: The extraordinary art of listening is well worth cultivating since without a receiver the communication broadcaster is out of business.
infoplease.com/homework/listeningskills1.html
mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
livestrong.com/article/14657-improving-listening-skills
wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_listening_skills
powertochange.com/students/people/listen
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listening_problems
rwuniversity.com/?p=353
hen.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

After more than three decades of researching marriage, John Gottman has found that healthy couples almost never listen and echo each other's feelings naturally. Further, Gottman noted that a 1984 Munich research study showed that the active/reflective listening exercise itself didn't help couples to improve their marriage. At the same time Carl Rogers, the father of modern therapy, in 1957 said, "Active listening is an important way to bring about changes in people." In my clinical experience, at the least, active or reflective listening does seem to help two people get on the same page in conversations, a good start to begin addressing their issues and concerns. Once again, decide for yourself.
stritch.luc.edu/depts/psych/specialties/couples_therapy.htm
shapse.com/html/listening.html

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of several books including Why Him? Why Her? (2009), has developed a provocative theory about romantic attraction and four broad personality types (with a major subtype)—Explorer, Builder, Director and Negotiator—with each type governed by different chemical systems in the brain. The following articles and videos are well worth investigating
oprah.com/article/omagazine/200706_omag_lovetype
elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/The-Laws-Of-Attraction
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_(anthropologist)
helenfisher.com/index.html

Videos: youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY&feature=channel
youtube.com/watch?v=x-ewvCNguug&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=Q78oSyoWViE&feature=related

John Gottman, Ph.D. provides empirically based research findings and recommendations for couples to enhance their marital satisfaction and raise emotionally intelligent and healthy children. He is professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington and is widely seen as the leading empirical researcher of marital satisfaction over the last quarter century. His book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (2004) written with co-author Nan Silver may be his clearest and most useful book for couples that details most of his negative findings in the first chapter and devotes the rest of the book to what works in marriages with specific exercises for couple partners to learn more about each other. His research shows that the magic ratio is 5 to 1, that is, so long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interactions between husband and wife as there are negative ones, the marriage was likely to be stable over time. Those headed for divorce had too little on the positive side to mitigate for the growing negativity between them. He calls the four disastrous ways couples interact the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", which include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He offers specific ways to help improve your marriage. He has written Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (1998) and gives five keys for "emotion coaching."
74.125.155.132...understandingrelationships.net...When Marriages Fail.ppt~
74.125.155.132...understandingrelationships~
psychologytoday.com/articles/199511/the-secret-happy-marriages
psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work
psychologytoday.com/articles/200009/welcome-the-love-lab
gottman.com/marriage/self_help
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman
gottman.com/parenting/research

Videos: youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA
youtube.com/watch?v=WRobpAKT7Qs&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=8Ig1HwO8Bng
youtube.com/watch?v=zk4j3iesBTc&feature=related

Family therapist Terrence (Terry) Real is the founder of the Relational Life Institute based in Arlington (near Boston, MA) and is the author of I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women, and most recently The New Rules of Marriage: a Breakthrough Program for 21st Century Relationships. His no-nonsense, truth-telling and compassionate approach in discussing men, women, relationships and parenting is refreshing. Check out his website, interviews and videos. Recommended
terryreal.com
menweb.org/realivue.htm
huffingtonpost.com/terry-real/good-parenting-and-the-me_b_85423.html
coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/feature/_a/terrence-real-interview~
realadvice.typepad.com

Videos:
youtube.com/watch?v=nVxUfAlIulQ&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=1VQzQj0SlMM&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=0HJoXd4zU_8&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=ZRQs9h3zGvg&feature=related
youtube.com/watch?v=rD8yqZ1avIs&feature=related
forum-network.org/lecture/whole-child-whole-day-keynote-speech

Family Constellation

Only 63 percent of American children grow up with both biological parents at home (the lowest figure in the western world), according to the National marriage Project at Rutgers University, & children thrive better when they live with both biological parents, except when those parents continually argue, according to July 2009 research results from Cornell University. Another report released in May 2009 showed how analyses of the 1960 decennial census found 88% of chilren under age 18 living in two-parent families, that then declined throughout the 1970s, 1980s and the first half of the 1990's. In 2002, 69% of children were living in two-parent families--a level that has held since the mid-1990s.
mndaily.com/2009/07/07/study-children-thrive-calm-two-parent-households
corrections.com...last-half-of-the-20th-cent...portion-of-juveniles...in-single-parent-households-increased~

One in four children in the U.S. are raised by a single parent, higher than other developed nations, according to an April 2011 report from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD): Of the 27 industrialized countries studied, the U.S. had 25.8 percent of children being raised by a single parent, with Ireland second at 24.3 percent, New Zealand at 23.7percent. The average was 14.9 percent across the other countries with Greece, Spain, Italy and Luxemborg having among the lowest percentages of children in single-parent homes. According to a July 2009 report "Increasing the Percentage of Children Living in Two-Parent Families" for the Annie E. Casey Foundation in Baltimore, Maryland, research showed that in 2007 nearly one-third of children in the U.S. (32 percent or 22 million children) were living with one parent, usually their mother. The report cited the 2008 research from Amato finding that the share of children in one-parent families has nearly tripled since 1970, when the rate was 11 percent.
washingtonpost.com...1_in_4_children_in_us_raised_by_a_single_parent~
docs.google...aecf.org...Two+natural+parents+and+children+in+U.S.+percentage~
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single-parent

Couples / Marriages Relationships, Commitment & Satisfaction: Research Findings | Couples / Marriage Relationships: Couple Skills, Premarital Questions & Gender Differences | Communication in Relationships

Communication Components / Effects

Communication: Research shows that three major components that impact human face-to-face communication are: 55% is facial expression; 38% is tone of voice; and 7% is the content or the words used. Explore the various forms of nonverbal communication, nonviolent communication (a "complete communication" or "whole message") and the dynamics of effective communication.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Communication_skills
streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7414/parenting~
streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7413/parenting/~
ezinearticles.com/?Im-Sorry!-Blame-Game-or-Accountability?&id=24653
divorcehq.com/articles/taking_war_out_of_words.shtml
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
leadershipissues.blogspot.com/2006/06/whole-messages.html
everything2...No+one+can+know+what+you+want+unless+you+tell+them
selfgrowth.com/articles/Fiore4.html
psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication~
stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm
ehow.com/how_5389287_talk-people-better-communication-skills.html
firehouse.com/node/41864
toastmasters.org/MainMenuCategories/FreeResources/Questions~

The Effect of Communication - Fernando Flores: Communication innovator Fernando Flores proposed five kinds of "languaging" or linguistic "actions": 1) Requests; 2) Promises; 3) Declarations; 4) Assessments; and 5) Assertions. Fernando Flores' work with Werner Erhard in the 1980's was incorporated into the growth training 'The Forum', which has been reformatted and rebranded as 'Landmark' approximately 20 years ago.
attractionacademy.com/article.php?story=20070716085738114&mode=print
fastcompany.com/magazine/21/flores.html
strategy-business.com/article/09406?gko=ce081
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fernando_Flores
rp07900.pdf

Nonviolent Communication, Powerful Non-Defensive Communication & Couple Skills: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (1999) offers the NVC Model---Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. Sharon Strand Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (2002) offers the PNDC Process---Questions, Statements and Predictions. Ellison offers a summary sheet of her PNDC Process as well as the Six Defensive Reactions. Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Patrick Fanning & Kim Paleg, Ph.D., author of Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (1994, 2nd Edition 2006)) offers a number of highly practical communication skills, including blocks to listening, positions/coping strategies, needs and fears, the ten commandments of clean communication (including using "whole messages" consisting of observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs or wants with lots of clear illustrations, recognizing eight aversive communication strategies, and identifying your unspoken rules that underlie areas of relationship conflict. Preview the Second Edition at the link below. All recommended

Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication:
cnvc.org/en/online-learning/nvc-concepts/nonviolent-communication
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
cnvc.org
nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm
baynvc.org

Ellison's Powerful Non-Defensive Communication:
ctmediationcenter.com...taking_the_war_out_of_our_words.pdf+powerful+non-defensive+communication~
familywizard.com/ofw/index.cfm/blog/powerful-non-defensive-communication
pndc.com/PNDCSummarySheet.pdf
mediate.com/articles/ford7.cfm
pndc.com

McKay, Fanning & Peleg's Couple Skills
mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=4046&type=book&cn=289
books.google.com...couple+skills~

Active Listening to understand: The extraordinary art of listening is well worth cultivating since without a receiver the communication broadcaster is out of business.
infoplease.com/homework/listeningskills1.html
mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
livestrong.com/article/14657-improving-listening-skills
wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_listening_skills
powertochange.com/students/people/listen
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listening_problems
rwuniversity.com/?p=353
hen.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening 

Communication: Cognitive Biases & Critical Thinking Skills

Cognitive biases: Several lists of cognitive biases are highly worthwhile to periodically review in order to use good judgment and not get hoodwinked, bamboozled and hornswaggled by our neurology and environmental conditioning. These lists include decision-making and behavioral biases, biases in probability and belief, social biases, memory errors, and common theoretical causes of some cognitive biases. Each bias when revealed and remembered can help better understand and temper each pattern of deviation in judgment. Flawed self-evaluations or inflated self-views, such as the majority of people perceive that they are better than average drivers or above-average intelligence, are particularly intriguing since all are statistical impossibilities. Self-Insight: Roadblocks and Detours on the Path to Knowing Thyself (2005) by David Dunning, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Cornell University, is a remarkable achievement given his social psychological research on mistaken views of competence, why people often remain blissfully unaware of their incompetence and personality flaws, and exploring why people tend to perceive themselves as more unique and special than they really are and profess inflated opinions of their moral fiber that are not matched by their deeds. Of particular note is the Dunning-Kruger effect, a cognitive bias in which "people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices but their incompetence robs them of the metacognitive ability to realize it." The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than in actuality; by contrast, the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to a perverse result where less competent people will rate their own ability higher than more competent people. It also explains why actual competence may weaken self-confidence because competent individuals falsely assume that others have an equivalent understanding. "Thus, the miscalibration of the incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about others." The authors draw an analogy with anosognosia—a condition in which a person who suffers a physical disability due to brain injury seems unaware of or denies the existence of the disability. This may include unawareness of quite dramatic impairments, such as blindness or paralysis. In a number of studies Kruger and Dunning hypothesized that with a typical skill which humans may possess in greater or lesser degree: (1) Incompetent individuals tend to overestimate their own skill level; (2) Incompetent individuals fail to recognize genuine skills in others; (3) Incompetent individuals fail to recognize their extremity of their inadequacy; and (4) If they can be can be trained to substantially improve their own skills level, these individuals can recognize and acknowledge their own previous lack of skill. Presence and witnessing coupled with awareness of cognitive biases are key skills to identify and begin correcting cognitive biases. Articles below address antidotes for cognitive biases and "implicit bias." Also peruse all the memory biases. All highly recommended
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases
blisstree.com/healthbolt/26-reasons-what-you-think-is-right-is-wrong
psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Cognitive_biases
usablelearning....why-are-people-so-dumb-cognitive-biases~
bobsutton.typepad...flawed-selfevaluations-david-dunnings-facinating-work~
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect
businesspundit.com/cognitive-bias-and-recursive-self-doubt
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_memory_biases

Some people are simply too asleep, self-deceived and unaware they are unaware to know they are ignorant. Read the New York Times five-part series published in late June 2010 on "The Anosognosic's Dilemma" that explores the Dunning-Kruger Effect, that is, how our incompetence masks our ability to recognize our incompetence.
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/07/29/some-people-are-simply-too-selfdeceived-to-know-they-are-ignorant.aspx
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/the-anosognosics-dilemma-1/
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/21/the-anosognosics-dilemma-somethings-wrong-but-youll-never-know-what-it-is-part-2/
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/22/the-anosognosics-dilemma-somethings-wrong-but-youll-never-know-what-it-is-part-3/
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/23/the-anosognosics-dilemma-somethings-wrong-but-youll-never-know-what-it-is-part-4/
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/24/the-anosognosics-dilemma-somethings-wrong-but-youll-never-know-what-it-is-part-5/

Antidotes to Cognitive biases:
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC555890
ezinearticles.com....How-to-Determine-Cognitive-Bias~
...neutralizing-your-own-implicit-biases-avoid-conflict-and-increase-flexibility~
google.com...correcting+cognitive+bias~
stillpointcoaching.com/blog/?p=35

Self-fulfilling prophecy, also called the Pygmalion effect, is a prediction or expectancy that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true due to positive feedback between thought/belief and behavior. This phenomenon has been well researched by the field of psychology and shown to be operative in a variety of contexts, especially in regard to teacher's expectations influencing student's academic performance, better team performance in the workplace and in other settings.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-fulfilling_prophecy
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pygmalion_effect
accel-team.com/pygmalion/index.html
psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/200904/pygmalion~
psychologytoday.com/blog/the-business-coach/200808/pygmalion~

Critical Thinking Questions: Being familiar and regularly using critical thinking questions in the cognitive domain, as offered through Bloom's Taxonomy, is especially important for higher level distinctions, judgments and decision-making. Bloom's Taxonomy, as developed by Linda G. Barton, M.S. Ed. in Quick flip Questions for Critical Thinking (1997), offers key words and questions at the following six levels in the cognitive domain: knowledge, comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis and evaluation. A most useful structure to return to time and again for teachers and parents, especially those parents that are home schooling their children. Recommended
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking
mcckc.edu/longview/ctac/blooms.htm
teachers.ash.org.au/researchskills/dalton.htm
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloom's_Taxonomy
nwlink.com/~Donclark/hrd/bloom.html

Proposed scientific concepts that would improve everybody's cognitive toolkit: New York Times Op-Ed writer David Brooks in March 2011 writes on the suggestions of 164 thinkers at the Edge Conference. Review suggestions including path dependence, the Einstelung Effect, the Focusing Illusion, Supervenience, the Fundamental Attribution Error and Emergence. Peruse all the 164 candidates being offered by the attendees. Fascinating! What would you nominate?
nytimes.com/2011/03/29/opinion/29brooks~
edge.org/q2011/q11_index.html
edge.org/q2011/q11_17.html#kahneman

Confirmatory bias—Given a hunch or hypothesis, people start to look and distort information to confirm it is true: The confirmatory bias is a huge cognitive bias to derail and distort effective decision making and seeing things as they are: David Dunning, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Cornell University and author of Self-Insight (2005, p. 47), discusses confirmatory bias: In short, once a question has been asked or a hypothesis advanced, people assess their answers by looking for positive evidence that the hypothesis is true and neglect searching for evidence that the hypothesis is false. Given this bias tends to make people too confident in their choices, he notes that research supports people writing down why they might be wrong tends to have a corrective effect in influencing their confidence and helps aligns it more accurately and appropriately with the actual or realistic rates of accuracy (p. 48). The confirmatory bias would more broadly be the tendency to see, search and interpret information in a way that confirms one's preconceptions and beliefs. This bias is closely related to belief bias or one's evaluation of the logical strength of an argument being biased by their belief in the truth or falsity of the conclusion, according to Wikipedia.org.
skepdic.com/confirmbias.html
changingminds.org/explanations/theories/confirmation_bias.htm
sciencedaily.com/articles/c/confirmation_bias.htm
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias
...psy.ucsd.edu/~mckenzie/nickersonConfirmationBias.pdf+confirmatory+bias~
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief_bias

Apologies

Why women apologize more than men / 8 Bogus Apologies—A September 20, 2010 scientific study published in the journal of Psychological Science found that women reported offering more apologies than men, but also reported committing more offenses, and that there was no gender difference in the proportion of offenses that prompted apologies. Researchers concluded that this finding suggests "...that men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior." A second study confirmed this finding by showing, as predicted, that men rated offenses as less severe than women did. Ken S. Pope offers "8 Bogus Apologies" to help identify when words are used to deceive.
pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2010/09/07~
kspope.com/apologies.php

Complaining

Complaining: Do women complain more than men or is it the other way around?—Seeing past all the myths. Research shows some unsurprising and surprising answers: women complain more than men about their health; sick men do complain / moan more; women experience more chronic pain and they're less tolerant of the pain than men; women complain less and win more when they are likely to be financially compensated than men; and women are more likely to complain about minor ailments on a daily basis, while men feel the most sorry for themselves when they are actually ill; and still more.
metro.co.uk/news/830026-official-sick-men-do-complain-more
news.discovery.com/human/women-men-pain.html
smh.com.au/news/national/women-complain-less-and-win-more-study-finds~
7thspace.com...men_complain_more_about_aches_and_pains_than_women~
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14603784

Humor Can Humiliate

When Humor humiliates—Gelotophobes are unable to distinguish ridicule from playful teasing and have a debilitating fear of being laughed at: This unrealistic fear of laughter experienced as humiliating may help understand those who make defeating survival decisions in the face of normal childhood teasing. Research findings are most revealing.
utne.com/Science-Technology/When-Humor-Humiliates.aspx
findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1200/is_3_176/ai_n35586445/
whyfiles.org/2010/psst-whos-laughing-at-you-april-fools/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gelotophobia
gelotophobia.org/geloph/page/home.htmld
webcache.googleusercontent....psychologie-aktuell.com...Proyer.pdf+Gelotophobes~
reference-global.com/doi/abs/10.1515/HUMR.2009.006
reference-global.com/doi/abs/10.1515/HUMOR.2008.005
https://www.zora.uzh.ch/14041/

  


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